ANNOUNCING A NEW WEIGHT LOSS PRODUCT THAT WURKS!
Ladies, tired of trying those unproven fads to lose that last 50 lbs. you’ve been carrying since the birth of your 4th child? Well, the wait is over! Coming to your mailbox soon can be the result of years of research: OncoSlim.
Our scientists have successfully split some atoms, charted some DNA, figured out those complicated pathways, and other habits of that long-dreaded killer, CANCER. After lots of work, over a long time, we now are able to offer you just the good parts of cancer. Think good cholesterol and bad cholesterol. With the good cancer that we have separated from the bad cancer, you can lose as much weight as you want. Trust us, as much as you want.
OncoSlim has been patented in Guatemala, and is shipped in a convenient brown package directly to your home (no PO boxes, please). Allow up to 4 weeks; we are currently working on expediting your wait time.
OncoSlim comes in a powder form that has only the essence of good cancer. Mix in water. Add any flavors you like (vanilla bean ice cream is our favorite). It’s best to stay home or in a place where you have immediate access to a functioning toilet. Loose-fitting clothing is recommended. And when your custom-designed regime is over, typically in one month, you will have that slimmer body that you have been wanting for years. Then it’s just an occasional visit to your local oncologist for a quick maintenance blast from Linac C, and you’re on your way.
Reply to this message today and receive a free Knot-Me bikini ($80 value) for showing off that new figure.
– approved by NASCAR, chiropractors everywhere, and The Church of Scientology.
–not approved by the FDA, FCC, FAA, NPR, AMA, the other AMA, FEMA, NCI, and IATSE.
Introducing another great Onco-Slim product: Once-Trim!
Ladies, are you tired of that constant battle w/ unwanted hair? See the effects of our new Onco-Trim process. What was once a semi-hairy nose of a 50+ year old man is now smooth like your forehead after Botox. Eyebrows a bit too thick? Onco-Trim can take care of that too.
Fellas, tired of always running to the barbershop? Onco-Trim can take it off, and by God, it will STAY off longer than you thought possible. The top of the head was not treated. The sides were treated. And THERE you see the Onco-Trim advantage!